.travelog #33.

hei hei.

home is a desperate end, say the lies.

but the lennon boy said the truth. 

and i bet, hei hei you are confused. 

doomed.

said the aristotle or sorcrates.

it is happening again.

and now i am taking charge.

hell yeah.

i love being an underdog again.

nevertheless, life goes on.

Alhamdulillah. 

.travelog #32.

there are times when i wish. 

i should have keep things to myself than to share it with someone that i trust. 

because of this someone who seems to have holier-than-thou attitude. 

or it could be just my perception. 

may Allah swt forgives me. 

.travelog #31.

i don't curse.
but once i do.
still not that harsh.
but sharp enough.

"sebenarnya sama setan juga penyokong PR ini"

today is the election day.
of my country.

p/s : the picture was taken during MV shooting of "undilah" song.

.travelog #30.

last friday.
i was buying few books from this islamic store.
which is my only source if i feel like buying religious books.
for me or as gifts to others.

then when i was about to pay at the counter.
the usual akhi Samer wasn't there.
the owner.
but there was a younger guy instead,
around my age.

he promptly asked me, whether i am from malaysia.
i replied yes.
then he wanted to ask a question.
i replied, "sure, go ahead".

The cashier :
"why muslims from malaysia are practicing like real muslims? better than those long beards pakistanis or arabs, what is the secret?"

I was literally stunned and speechless.
because I wasn't sure what his questions were referring to. but I replied :
"In what context brother?"

Then he pointed out an example :
"I went to furqan's for fajr's prayer and half of the jamaah were malaysians"
(furqan is one of the mosques nearby)

I took some time to think. Because I kinda have the answer but I wasn't sure. My reasoning cognition was considering many factors at one time. But somehow I think I get one of the possible reasons. Thus, I replied :
"It could be the usrah, or halaqah which keep the guys on purpose"

Then he put a big smile on his face, He replied by nodding his head :
"Yes, that really make sense, a very good point"

Conversation ended with greetings. Jzklh.

.travelog #29.

"you are such a gentleman".
coming from a stranger.
which surprised me.
may God's love be with you.

you might be homeless.
but you are still a brother of mine.

.travelog #28.

for once.
i have had everything other people would want.
a good career, even blessed with so many choices, and having so many companions around.
and nothing but a way upward.
but He decided that I wasn't ready.
thus I followed my heart to leave.
so i left to the other side of the world.

and now.
i am fighting.
and i have almost lose everything.
and have nothing for career in particular.
and wasting time healing the broken heart.

but i stand still.
because i don't want to see myself as the victim.
of anything i am struggling with at the moment.
i am a believer.
and i will keep fighting.

al balad : 4.

life goes on.
and i will die as a better muslim.
biiznillah.

.travelog #27.

at this verily moment.
i feel lost.
i feel i'm nowhere to be found.
i feel i have nothing to be proud of.
i feel so isolated.

i feel so weird.
about myself.

.travelog #26.

as we are grow older.

we are becoming more into our real selves.

and there are things we need to change.

and there are some parts we need to nurture.

skipping classes.

was fun.

adrenaline rush they call it.

excitement. elation. 

but you know. 

deep deep within you.

the guilt never leave.

they are always there.

never say what if what if.

it can be ridiculous at times.

dire in needs of good vibes?.

you apparently know where you can find it.

keep struggling.

loneliness is just one of the problems.

this is just a piece of cake.

iA.

.travelog #25.

march has been kind to me so far.
very kind.
really appreciate it.
the kind hearted people that came to me.
family, friends and strangers.

life goes on.
thanks to everyone.

thank you.

.travelog #24.

as always.
i just want to be a better muslim.
each and everyday.
and to never feel self-content with who i am.
of where i am.
of what i am.

and to feel grateful about my life.
His ni'mat.
from Him.

and family.
friends.
are always there for you.

"qul amantu billahi sumastaqim".

among first few hadith i memorized in matric.
when i was so into memorizing and understanding things.
i guess as i started to feel too comfortable when i was in my 3rd year.
and i've lost track.
i've been in ignorance.
thus wasted years later enjoying life.

but what is life rather than an amusement and we know afterlife has so much more to offer.

and the heart misses.
of times when things are mundane but feel so purposeful.
it reminds me of my furqan's verses.
to be the humble abd on His lands.
to walk while the head is facing the ground.
by realizing the nature of habluminnallah.

and indeed the journey.
is a struggle.
of every single qalb.

bismillah.
lets keep struggling.

.travelog #23.

Ya Allah swt.
give me the strength i need.
fill the space of emptiness in my soul by your love.
bless me with the patience in dwelling with sadness and despair.
no one wants to save me.
but i will stay still.
till the right one comes.

it is hard to accept.
the fact that she is not mine.
but life goes on.

because good ones aren't many.
and whether i can trust this gender again.
it will be very hard.
very.
for the next time.
if there is any.

is being gay an option after all?.

.travelog #22.

for where you are.
for things you are being grateful for.
for flaws that you keep doing.
for lessons learnt since you were here.
for the memories you wish shouldn't exist.

i will give myself.
a chance to be better.
loneliness kills.
but He is there.

I am a muslim.
I have priorities.
I have obligations.
I have responsibilities.

do the right things.
wait for the right gifts.

biiznillah.

.travelog #21.

i don't want to submit to my own feelings.
i am a muslim.
i have priorities.
i have obligations.

Allah swt know everything.
you know nothing.

keep living.
you know where to go.

.travelog #20.

i dreamt of you.
and it hurts.

go away. go away.

i am breaking myself apart.

.travelog #19.

you delivered a bad news.
the end of my journey to you.
and you make it sounds like it is nothing.
like you are the only one who affected by it.
selfish.

you are enjoying what are you having.
maybe the clouds of emotion blind me.
maybe you don't know how to protect your exclusivity.
but funny how hard i'm justifying how you can be good for my children.
when i am not even sure.
of who you are actually.
stupidity.

life goes on.

He knows best.

.travelog #18.

to feel that you want to be loved.
by a person.
while that is not actually the reason.

to feel that you already ready.
to have someone to build the family with
hurts.
when you don't have anyone in particular.

to feel that she is the one.
while you are just one of the many to her.
hurts so much.
and worst when.
she is just your imaginary one.

to feel alone.
is not a new thing.
it is the usual thingy.

but to see people raising their kids.
feel like you wanting to have them.
and teach them what are necessary to survive in this world.
and the compassions of parents.
in juggling between their many commitments.
thrills you.
in a way.

i want you.
any of you.
who accept me the way i am.
to just have values within you.
and the desire and ability to be a loving and nurturing mother.
and a kind heart.

if you are listening.
to this call.
i am waiting.

nothing good comes easy.
thus something good shall not wait.

desperation.
must be protected by His bless.

.travelog #17.

i have nothing.
i know nothing.
i am nothing.
i can offer nothing.
i say nothing.

but i am still grateful of everything.
everything that you have given to me.
my special One.
biizinillah.

.travelog #16.

call me stupid.
i would listen.
call me as a good one.
i would ignore.

the bad from me, the good from Him.
simple right?

.travelog #15.

the self denial.
the lies to make it through the day.
the smiles and laughters in disguise.
the one who is hurt and hurts others.

it is so confusing.
it has no clear solution.

because.
of hearts.

.travelog #14.

i believe in Him.
when i am emotionally dying.
when i am excessively out of of control.
when i am too excited.
when i am committing any sins.
when i am missing praying times by negligence or ignorance.

i will fight.
to get back to Him.

Alhamdulillah. He knows better.

.travelog #13.

so i just met this boy.
a younger brother of a friend who stays in london.
same age with my younger bro.
there is this common thing that we shared.
something that most guys would know.
and that is.
football.

but there is this thing about him.
that makes me feel so affected by his presence.
he reminds me of my younger brother.
for many reasons, yes, i already feel like he is my younger brother.
anf thus.
i couldn't give a proper goodbye.
because that's me.
i would leave anyone just like that.
just in one moment.
SNAP! and i'm gone.
because i'm a guy who get carried away easily.
in english, we call it tears.

but yeah.
5 months won't be long.
see you later in malaysia!.
:p

.travelog #12.

once again.
ive dreamt about you.
and to understand, i think the attachment is too strong for me to ignore.
i am sorry to myself.
that this is going nowhere.

it is alright.
Allah swt Maha Besar:

.travelog #11.

it was you again.
you've entered my dream again.
but i was avoiding you very badly.
because i know meeting you will hurt.

so i turn away.

.travelog #10.

i have kept this at bay.

and not knowing what is the best thing to do.

if i have the capacity, i would end this.

by turning you into my better half.

but i have chose this route.

and this journey gonna take few months more.

so for now i can't be that sure.

because i am not in control.

the least, i can only believe.

there is a hope whenever there is a sound.

and i don't how long you are going to drag me around.

i just can do whatever i can do.

and if you keep silent, there is nothing i can do.

but if you go.

i know i have Him.

because i am well aware.

of happiness, marriage and kids.

are not meant for everyone.

He decides.

we pray.

pray harder.

life goes on.

biiznillah.

.travelog #9.

for unanswered questions.

for acts without descriptions.

for the defiance expressions.

for the tears.

for the crying heart.

for what this is for.

the self destruction i am into.

for the lost connection with my Creator.

the feeling and energy that keep me going before.

i have lost.

or lose the road that loses me.

and without hesitations.

i need to change.

to be a better muslim.

.travelog #8.

of many days.
that are slower than last few days.
the eyes, the people ive met.
are things that i need.
when the heart is dying.

the greatest fear resurfaces.
with greatest pleasure, it seduces the hope to come back.
while we believe to just get along with it might not harm afterwards.
and to superficial thoughts that we created to justify things.
that have happened.
or happening.
is disastrous after all.

your presence, just need to stay there, as i wont leave.
for now.