.i am waltzing jibberishly in the rain.

.do you know,when your heart is confused,there is no song that can rhymes with the sound of your heart?.
.except one melody.
.and that is the recitation of His verses.

selamat hari raya.
maaf zahir batin.
taqaballallahu minna wa minkum salihal a'mal.

.in the grey area.

i want to have it all.
professional certs and master plus Phd.
i want to have a taste of everything.
corporate field and academic world.
i want to be good at everything.
religion,academic and working field.

money is not the motivation.
even self satisfaction can be misguided at times.

perhaps.
i just want to keep getting better and better.
and be capable of contributing something towards the society.
something significant.
but without any recognition.
will i be able to do that?

yet still figuring which is the best.
for my first step.
;/

.i want to have that glimpse again.

of things that i really want.
of being someone that i really want to be.

fears.
have stopped me from running again.
they said i don't deserved anything else anymore.
the judgmental people have displayed their perfect tone.
strike me right in the heart of this weak fragile soul.

i.
rather be in a place where i have nothing to worry about.
where there is no expectation of what i wanna do.
where the body feel like giving out its very best.
and the energy wasted for no one's satisfaction.

procrastination.
of things that are meaningful to me is not a big deal.
but when it involved someone else's rights, i have to avoid it at my very best.

winning is desirable, losing is inevitable
because the world works that way.
some call it the law of nature.
while i call it a "sunnatullah".

.random fact #4.

how often you meet people who seem to look like smarties.(smart people)
act, speak, behave and absolutely no doubt that they are really smart.
putting down facts and their own propositions in every issues.
and you believe in them more than you believe in yourself.
BUT
too bad that most of the time.
i know how to differentiate between the real smarties and the people who seem to look like smarties.
how?
that's for me to know.

biiznillah.:)

.bang bang shoot shoot is john lennon's.

i bet none of you know whats the title of this post all about.
who cares anyway.:p

2 years ago.
there was this one moment.
when i couldn't comprehend what sinking fund was all about.
and i decided to skip the whole class the next day and went back home.
i decided on the day when i was fasting.not ramadhan though.
to go klcc tgv's and watch a movie alone before headed home.
bought a mineral and snacks into the movie.
a yasmin ahmad's masterpiece talentime was the only company.
i cried in the movie pathetically.
alone and tragically.
while break fasting with the mineral and snacks while in the movie.
it was so legend (wait-for-it) dary moment for me.

and a day later.
when i was in a shower.
suddenly i start to noticed how the process of sinking fund works.
and that was the moment when i officially mastered sinking fund without a single doubt.
guess who is great? my Creator.
and that is one of the numberless magical moments that i will always remember.

pathetic much?
pathetic is the synonym of my name.
too bad.
;-)

.random #3.stupid request.

during my internship in one of the local banks.
i have done number of analysis.
be it industry,internal performance and timeline analysis.
but not until the senior manager asked me.
to conduct a research on , let say we call it project a.

so the project was an in-depth analysis.
experts comments, newspaper and magazine excerpts, data, facts I got from governmental websites locally and internationally.
to be the standard analysis which we called a secondary data.
but i with my own stupidity initiated a pilot project to support the analysis as a primary data.
know nothing about statistics?
primary data is the data that you get by conducting survey or direct research.

after the senior manager presented my research to the upper boss.
the upper boss got attracted to my pilot project.
so they offered me sum of amount (thousands RM) to conduct the pilot project on a bigger scale.
and I accepted the challenge and yeah, that was my first research grant ever.

soon after that, my senior manager got headhunted by the main rival of my bank which sound like this "ROAR".
so I was wondering to whom shall i present my findings after all.
so I requested to my sub-supervisor(manager) that I would like to present this thing directly to the upper boss.

and today,I've already ended my attachment with the bank.
but I am still waiting for my presentation day.
which is scheduled to be 20th something of August.

back to the title, why it is a stupid request?
why?
why?

because i'm going to present the findings one-on-one with a CEO.
CEO of a (not the bank but the card that you used to pay toll).
yes that card.
that CEO of the card.

and later I thought to myself.
how stupid the request was.
wanting to present directly to the upper boss.

but I'm looking forward for it anyway.

:)

.random #2.

"a picture taken at woodlands imigration department,
a trip to sg pdg besar stadium with ultras"

i cant stop others from judging me.
who cares anyway.
at the end of the day, its between me and Him.

i am weird,i admit.

if i were given the chance to start my courses all over again.
i would opt for studies on "wahy knwoledge",sociology and philosophy, comparative religions, accounting, theoritical economics,hadith studies, english literature and arts, western history and script writings.
ambitious much?
literally in this world i need to have at least 5-6 degrees to master the disciplines.
but somehow i do believe its possible to master those without a "visible recognition" from educational institutions.
through readings, formal and informal classes/lectures and deliberate discussions.

recall the words from Prof Dr Sidek Baba during the first time when I went to his small lecture, he said Al-Qur'an is the book of the universe.
its like when you are reading the the verses, you are reading the universe.
his words have been in my head for more than 3 years since then.
absolutely, there is no doubt in that.

.random #1.

i made it publicly that i easily attracted to girls in specs.
it somehow reflects something special about them.
smart?wise?optimistic?cool in a way?muslimah?
erm.

but it was getting serious during my 2nd year of undergraduate studies.
which is almost 3 years ago (2008).
when i was looking for daphne loves derby's music video titled.
'simple starving to be safe'.
i accidentally found a cover by girls in specs.
and therefore, i told everyone around me that i like girls in specs.
pathetic much?



p/s : they are filipinos i believe.;p

.miserably agonized.

to an extent where nothing can hurt you anymore.
rather than your pathetic innocent mind.
maybe being in pain is the best place.
to find my greatest strength.
and yet.
nobody else knows.
what i'm trying to say.