.the least of everything.

guilt.
indecisive mind.
losing hopes.
confused.
in ignorance.

yet i am still holding on to my dreams.
to be someone who can contribute towards ummah development.
to be a catalyst of the ummah that can achieve better things.
and i need Him.
along the way.

.till today i am not sure.

why exactly i rejected the offer.
"too soon to be sure of things" someone has told me.
"are you sure?" the other half asked.
and no matter how i am justifying the reasons to them.
i know deep deep down.
those aren't the truth.

the only reason.
is unclear but yet i could feel it.
perhaps the feel of wanting more options could be the reason.
maybe the idea of going back to audit life seems to be more pleasing.
or to continue studying and be a lecturer can be taken into consideration.
and that has forced me not to accept the offer.

one would beg to get the entrance of this bank.
while i am left with 2 stages soon after my last final paper.
and i appreciate their thoughts.
but the answer was the answer and that's it.
end of discussion.

i might not know everything.
i might be wrong sometimes.
i might be stupid at few moments.

but surely.
i believe in dreams.
in this case.

.i have climbed up the small mountain.

and why should i come down now.
because i have another mountain to climb up next.
unless.
the route i am taking to another mountain requires me to do so.

but in this situation.
i am certain.
that this is not the case.
so how?why?what to do?.

there is nothing wrong with having high expectations.
in my case, my high expectations seem to be pragmatic and realistic.
so it all make sense when i am emotionally feel unsatisfied with kind of lecturers i am meeting everyday in this semester.
absolutely unsatisfied.

dear sir and madam.
i am expecting you to be someone who is idealistic than what you are giving me right now.
your answers and statements are expected even before you open your mouth.
i need critical views with somehow wise judgements.
not a textbook answers anymore.

please sir and madam.
i am dying right here.
i rather listening to my friends who know things that are happening in the real world.
than your book smart answers.
i had enough.
of those.

if somehow i decided to end my career by being a lecturer.
i will train my students to think like a pure decision makers.
with actions and plan in their head.
the book answers are the guidance.
but the best would be the critical thinking.
the real life situations.

i personally believe i want more from people like you.
with "prof' and "emeritus prof" rank at the beginning of your name.

i am honestly.
frankly.
wholeheartedly.

"disappointed".

and do not blame me for skipping out your classes.
i have tried my best.
to accept you for who you are.

*brain drain*

.i rather not to be.

in discussions where the other party seems to believe everything he/she is saying is right.
and no exception shall be given for that.
i feel that kind of person is pathetic.
and thus.
i am not interested in arguing.
with that kind of people.

lately.
words that are coming out from my mouth seems to be something unpleasant to hear.
indecent words.funny at times.
but annoying and disgusting all the time.
and i seem to make fun of everybody around me.
without limit.
and that shall stop.
now.

.an optimist who is drowned in the sea of pessimists.(not mine - wani ardy)

superficial.
when it has no direction.
when it has no meaning for its existence.
when it has no reasons to believe in it anymore.

flawed.
when you are losing faith in a faith based system.
when no one bothers the real intention of its creation.
when the hundred years effort is serving the needs of the living beast.

desolated.
when the stages it needs to fully serve its intention are
nowhere to be seen.
nowhere to be builded upon.
nowhere to believe in at this very moment.

revise everything.
re-evaluate the whole thing.
re-structure the whole system.

i had enough of believing.
when i see the one who preaches failed and give up on it.
when the culprits who practicing it bother no more.
to stay on the right path.
if it all falls down in the next 15 years.
remember things that u've read in this post.
those things are the flaws of.

islamic banking and services.

12th September 2011.

.the day has come.

do not compare singapore and malaysia.
the sizes are obviously different.
the initial stage was different.
the complexity of issues and problems are different.
so stop comparing.
an apple with a durian.
we are smelly but surely we have the sweet taste as well.
don't you think so?.